02.05.03 - 00:25
this is a litany of apologies.
i'm sorry that my self-deprecation makes you uncomfortable because then you have to question how much of what i am saying is true. i'm sorry that i can't ever fulfill the roles in your life that you reserve for others. i'm sorry that my silent presence isn't enough on the days when things go slightly askew and you don't know why. i'm sorry that february affects me this way. i'm sorry that i begin to avoid people in ways that have previously been relegated only to the truly reprehensible in our society. i'm sorry that i don't ever really talk to you about "what's up" because half of the time it is you.
i'm sorry that i waste such large amounts of my day thinking about things immutable. i'm sorry that i am literally throwing away money that i don't have by not utilizing every second of my time here. i'm sorry that i am a shame to my parents without them ever knowing it. i'm sorry that my little brother thinks i'm a horrible person because i drink. what would he think if he knew the extent of my indiscretions? i'm sorry that i'm turning into a pothead. i'm sorry that i don't care. i'm sorry that the world has colored me apathetic.
yet for all of this. i'm sorry most of all that it is february.
i'm going to make it through the month. i'll stop being so apologetic. maybe. i'll stop whining in my diary. i'll start making real contact. i'll email that girl. i'll do lots of things. just not this month.
